Drywall, Wild Gorilla Man and myself have agreed there is no bottom to the stupidity in CrossFit.  Likewise, I don’t feel like writing.  Instead, I’ll just give you a picture-breakdown of what happened.  Enjoy.

Off-camera, he goes apeshit and pulls out double samurai swords and starts decapitating EVERYONE.  Straight rage which lives up to those shorts he stole from the Incredible Hulk.  Next, he quickly converts a weight vest into a suicide bomber vest and blows the whole place up.  The suicide vest was pointless because everyone was already decapitated, but sometimes you gotta put an exclamation point on shit.

I made fun of his daisy dukes and then my head went missing.

Teasdale tried to cheat, got busted and threw a temper tantrum.  It wasnt the only bullshit that happened at that competition, so no one should be surprised that he got away with it.  If the head judge let him act like that, and he was allowed to continue, it’s their fault.  Who fucking cares?  I liked it better the first time I saw it when it was called “Every Second Counts” aka the 2008 Games WSOE.  Matt Murski did the same bounce-catch bullshit and got called out by Dave Castro (sorry, N00bs- you have to be Prebok Crossfit to get that reference).  If you do stupid shit, and you get caught, STFU (duh).  Here’s me right before the last time I got arrested:

There is so much ridiculous shit going on in CrossFit right now, I’m having a hard time keeping up (while simultaneously giving a fuck).  But it’s my duty to make jokes, so lemme slay some topics rapid-fire style:

4Reelz Productions (I got douche-chills typing that)  made a docudrama which attempts to be funny by dusting off those played-out CrossJokes.  “WOD Diaries centers around four females in a fun and humorous way as they try to get in their WODs and while managing their personal relationships in and out of the box”.  So basically, ”Sex And The City” but the CrossSluts explain to regular sluts that “doing Fran” doesn’t mean ”dyke shit”.  Gorsh, that joke never gets old!  It’s getting rave reviews:

“I think it’s a reality show?  Whatevs… Sam is hawt.”  - some CrossSlut

“Toldja.”  – your bro who thinks CrossFit is gay

“Dumbest shit I’ve ever- wait, isn’t that the guy from A Few Good Men?” - Me

Next thing:  this shit (I’m warning you – don’t watch it).  When so-and-so from that video emails me telling me I’m a retard and I didn’t get the joke, I’ll have to claim ignorance.  No really, I didn’t watch past the 25 second mark because it seems they’ve changed the lyrics to silly WODy CrossFitty terms.  Terrible.  Fuck you and fuck Weird Al Yankovic.  The real reason I turned it off at 25 seconds was because I saw this:

Which made me feel exactly like this:

Next thing:  Fashletics.  They combined the word fashion… and… athletics… in a victorious effort to make your dick shrink.  They sell lil’ necklaces and charms for the laydeez (who want people to ask them what that “3-2-1 go!” charm means so they can bore the fuck out them by talking about exercise).  Meh.  I wasn’t that bothered by them til they pissed off my bro’s  Michael J. Fox and Stephen Hawking.

Last up: Fuck, not Rogue.  I actually like Rogue Fitness.  They make good (kinda overpriced, but whatever) equipment and they don’t sell much pointless bullshit.  Until now:

When are these people going to fucking learn that restricting your breathing DOES NOT simulate altitude training?  Even grumpy Ronnie Teasdale knows that, right?  Nope.

"I'm only wearing this because I'm sick of smelling your fear."

Did you see the commercial?  Of course, you did.  According to Facebook and Twitter, a lot of CrossFit exercisers were more concerned with a fucking advertisement than Aaron Rogers and the Packers doing the “Discount Double Choke” against the Giants.  Apparently, the “Sport of Fitness” arrived and interrupted the “Sport of… Sport” (aka the NFL Playoffs).

Who fucking cares?  From what I can tell – there were two basic reactions.

1. Hooray!  I saw people doing wallballs on a commercial during a nationally televised broadcast!  We’ve come so far! 

My response: Shut the fuck up.  After you watched the commercial you had already seen 8 times on YouTube I’m sure you immediately switched the channel from a hugely important playoff game to the fucking WSOE reruns on ESPN2 (which you’ve also already seen 8 times).  You can’t be helped and I’m bored with making fun of you.

2.  Oh no!  This means the demise of CrossFit!  All of our affiliates will be taken over by Reebok!

My response: Shut the fuck up.  I thought the commercial was fucking funny with its militaristic helicopter invasion.  The symbolism was just perfect enough to get the gullible conspiracy theorist/affiliate owner to fear a hostile takeover.  Suckers.  As much as I want to, I don’t remember the commercial going like this:

Now, that’s a commercial.  It kicked off the type of dream sequence in my head I used to have in school (until they put me on Ritalin)…  UH-SPLOSION!  Then tanks rolling and troops marching!  Their color guards bear the flag of the glorious ReePublic:

Then after the helicopters drop the new “boxes” on top of existing affiliates, the previous owners are brainwashed and forced to work for the new regime.

And then the CrossFit Kids program got fucking mandatory.  All youth of great ReePublic do CrossFit.  This make strong worker for glory of Mother Reebok.

And the new “Fittest Man on Earth” was crowned at the 2012 World Series of Exercise.   

Then my daydream ended and I went back to watching football and drankin’.

Yesterday, me and Drywall had a chat about this and he pretty much summed it all up to the point where there’s no need for further discussion.  Before you say anything, prepare to shut the fuck up.

The link Drywall is referring to: Reebok’s Jukari “fit to fly”.  A partnership with Cirque du Soleil.  Outstanding stuff and I don’t know why it didn’t catch on. 

As far as the pairing of The Biggest Loser’s Bob Harper with CrossFit - let’s just hope he can do for CrossFit what he did for Queer Abs.  No, seriously – click on that link.  You’re welcome.  “Good job, Bootcamp Bob!”

Bob Harper destrominates the fatness every season on The Biggest Loser.  This season, he’s got the fatties doing elements of CrossFit.  A couple weeks ago, me and John Welbourn of CrossFit Football and Talk To Me Johnnie had some chuckles on Twitter about ol’ Bootcamp Bob:

And so begins the endless tweets and facebook status updates about CrossFit on the Biggest Loser.  Am I gonna watch that crap?  Probably not.  Although, I do get a giggle out of watching the contestants cry while eating.  That shit is pure poetry. 

P.S.  Those of you who’ve asked me to make a t-shirt of the ReePublic flag – I would but I’m really busy not dealing with lawsuits and shit.  Sorry.

CrossFit on social media makes me want to punch myself in the breeding parts.  I (hypocritically) wish people would shut the fuck up about exercise.  When the Broncos beat the Steelers (lulz) in overtime Sunday night, SICFIT literally figuratively laid a steaming pile of shit on my Twitter timeline.

How the fuck is this even remotely related to CrossFit?  Clearly, it’s not.  But in a world where some motherfuckers see medball cleans as life and death, those same motherfuckers gotta tie real sports to CrossFit.  Fuck you.  Hey, SICFIT – shut the fuck up.  You want my “thoughts”?  Tebow would be a great CrossFit athlete… if he got tired of getting paid millions and wanted to fade into obscurity.

Dog Tags by SICFIT (those who know are).  Because you have just enlisted in the Army of Foppish Dandies.  You will report immediately to Poseur Company, Disposable Income Battalion.  “Ya, they’re awesome.”  28 dollars of awesome.

It’s my own fault for following those clowns on Twitter.  Sifting through garbage is the price I pay to mock shit.  I follow lots of dummies on Twitter and I’m never far from a chuckle when there are people like this:

Intrinsically?  Wow.  I just caught my thesaurus beating off to that tweet.  Verbose > profound.  Gimme some more gems, Tony.

Wait, so learning from great people is easier than learning from idiots?  Fuck yeah, Tony.  See if you can get the ghost of Winston Churchill to give you another high-five:

Wait, what?  Oh, Tony.  You intrinsically got me.  Good one.   

Let’s move on to CrossFit’s version of Jessica Rabbit:

Those silly boys pay me so much attention!   Don’t know Allison NYC?  Nutshell – her oversexed, cutesy routine demands that you pay attention to her.  Now.  While the IGX crowd begs Wild Gorrilla Man to sweet talk her into shooting more nakies, her twitter followers continue to suffer through shit like this:

Tee-hee.  Lemons for breakfast!  Boo’s treasure map led you to right to the rare chest of gold doubloons that is organic lemons.  Cherish this moment.   Your limited amount of brain cells figured out how to kill some of mine.  You win.

@CrossFitProblms is a parody of a worn-out parody.  They tweet the exact crap you would expect.  You’ll find them hilarious if you’ve been doing CrossFit for less than 5 minutes.  And you lack a sense of humor.  Example:

Yep.  That’s their shtick.  Like when Jeff Dunham is on Comedy Central and it’s so fucking terrible, but you can’t stop watching…

“I know, right!?  Having to go to the grocery store is SUCH a #crossfitproblem, ha ha!  Oh, us CrossFitters are so funny!” 

You wanna see a real CrossFit problem?

Now we’re talking.  Kayla_rea is on to something…  Wait, what’s this?  Another CrossFit problem?

GOD DAMN IT!  

1. using ‘CrossFit’ as a verb
2. using the term ‘obvi’
3. another dipshit trying to relate real sports to CrossFit  

Fuck.  It’s no wonder why Drywall quit.  Thanks, bro (for leaving me to deal with this crap).

—————————————————————————————————————————————————-

Edit (20 Jan 2012):  Allison NYC finally read this post.  Her response:

Hey there, n00b.  You’ve committed to joining a CrossFit affiliate in January.  Congrats and welcome to a strange environment of group exercise (and groupthink).  Before you show up with uncool shoes, basketball shorts and no understanding of how to do a Sumo Deadlift High Pull, allow me to assist you in navigating the unfamiliar world of CrossFit.  Since I’ve already covered what not to do here, I’m going to give you some tips on what you can do in order to survive. 

Don’t Worry About The Movements:  You’ve been hornswoggled into taking an on-ramp program where a coach will teach you how WE exercise.  The extra fee for the on-ramp program i$ fun becau$e you’ve already paid for your member$hip and now you’ll al$o have to pay more ca$h to be taught how to be a member.  You won’t learn how to do cool shit, but you’ll become a fucking samurai with the PVC pipe.

Didn't see that on ESPN2? Welcome to CrossFit, sucka.

Scale The WODs:  CrossFit is hard and you suck, so scaling makes it easier.  I went into detail here, and your coach can help you figure out how to apply the concept.  Sometimes, you have to be creative in order to hit from the ladies’ tees. 

Green Bands: the "Easy Button" of CrossFit

Thanks to DNF Apparel for the shirt.  Buy their shit, proceeds go to charity.

Don’t Worry About The People:  We’re generally nice and may talk to you (if you’re already fit/strong or you’re a hot chick).  If you don’t fit into that category, you’ll be left alone and ignored as though your mediocrity is contagious.  No big deal, you’ll make friends eventually.  CrossFit social events occur often and I’m sure your Paleo Brownies will be a hit.  Pro-tip: make a normal dessert and tell people it’s completely paleo.  “Oh my God, N00b!  This is delicious.  What’s your real name?”

1 pood of almond flour, coconut oil & nothing else. Swear to God.

Worry Like A Motherfucker About The Fashion:  It’s a big deal to CrossFitters.  Get rid of that workout clothing you bought from the store that sells… workout clothing.  Me and my uncool Under Armour shorts can’t help you with fashion.  But don’t worry, SICFIT (those who know are) is a great resource for all things foppish. 

"Dolce and Gabbana, HELLO!"

What We Do For Abs:  In CrossFit, we don’t do abs.  Why?  Because we do not do abs.  Don’t fucking ask about it again.  I’ve been doing CrossFit for years and have never done abs.  Not once.  Call it midline stabilization or call it a cash-out if you must, but just remember:

I hope my advice helps and I’m really pulling for you.  You’re what I call a “January gym-joiner” and your expiration date is usually mid-March.  You don’t want to end up in the client graveyard, so you’re going to have to flip the fucking switch and go beastmode to escape your n00b status.  It wont take long.  Try to make it to April and you’ll become so fucking indoctrinated, you won’t be mentally capable of quitting on your own.  Until then, enjoy your Christmas and I hope you don’t get shitty gifts.  Like this one:

Like all competitive individuals who washed out of real sports, get ready to throw down for another season of exercise competition.  The World Series of Exercise Open Qualifiers starts in February.  It’s time to prepare for six weeks of focusing on six individual WODs (and gaming the fuck out of them) while conversely preaching GPP and “unknown and unknowable” to CrossFit n00bs.

Who fucking cares that CrossFit is a game?  Competition is the shit.  Unknown and unknowable is a cute concept, but if you tell me on Tuesday what the competition workout will be on Saturday, I’m fucking practicing.  There is strategy involved.  GPP is important, but I’m not in it for that.  The competitor needs to approach this shit with programming that compliments the goal to fuckstomp your opponents.

Recognizing this goal, Rudy Nielsen of Outlaw CrossFit is a bearded wizard who programs for CrossFit competitors.  He’s coached four who’ve competed in the games: Amanda Miller, Laura (DeMarco) Nielsen, Becky Conzleman and Brandon Phillips, and has a platoon of hardcocks in Alexandria, VA who will destrominate your face off in competition.  Beyond programming for his normal clients, his programming for competitors started as a sort of underground test bed for an impending CrossFit Journal article.  The word got out and it’s snowballed into something that has attracted additional games competitors.

He explains his theories here but the basics are: application of the Limited Conjugate Method, focus on Olympic lifts and gymnastics movements (those common to CrossFit competition) and Metcons less than 12 minutes.  While mixing in different methods, he’s taken a lot of inspiration from Westside Barbell (in a text to me he said, “I’m totally copying Louie Simmons”).  Makes sense.  If you want to make your athletes strong, learn from a guy whose neck is wider than his skull.

Louie Simmons = bear + razor

The Outlaw Way isn’t for everyone.  In fact, it’s difficult as fuck (not a surprise coming from the guy who designed King Kong).  I’ve been taken way out of my comfort zone.  This is cool, because adaptation to training that’s harder than coffin nails equates to wiener growth.  Rudy’s tracked tremendous gains in those who follow his system and it’s fairly new (to people outside his gym).  Their goal is to win.  Everything.  That should be every competitor’s goal.  Cockpunch weakness and destrominate your opponents.

Is this a fucking commercial for his shit?  Nope.  I’m just giving competitors a jump on the CFJ article and trying to spread the word on what I think is the future of CrossFit programming.  Either way, if you’re planning on competing you should get on a program that is strategically designed to prepare you for what you’ll face in competition.  You may have a hard time achieving that doing trust falls.

I started writing this post a week ago with every intention of being really persuasive as to why high rep box jumps are fucking stupid and dangerous.  Then something happened.  Last Friday, CrossFit Games athlete Kate Rawlings ruptured her left Achilles during the box jump portion of Filthy 50.  She had surgery yesterday.  I guess I don’t have to soapbox this one as hard. 

Kate Rawlings: CrossFit's most recent box jump Achilles casualty

Box jumps began as “depth jumps” or “the shock method” by the late Professor Yuri Verkhoshansky in the former Soviet Union.  The athlete drops down from a specified height and subsequently jumps up onto a box as seen here by Dwayne Wade of the Miami Heat:

The muscle contraction resulting from the resistance created by the landing is similar to weight training while teaching the muscles to become faster in switching between a force yielding contraction to force generating contraction (stretch-shortening cycle).  It’s basically some explosive shit and is fucking badass.

High Jumper, 1964 Olympic Gold Medalist Valeriy Brumel

Once the USSR Olympic athletes gained success from this training, it spread worldwide and became misused and renamed as “plyometrics”.  Enter the box jump.  The stress created by bounding on and off a box is not very different from what is experienced during depth jumps.  When done properly and in moderation it’s an effective training tool, but in a high-rep situation your body will only take so much of this stress before it breaks.  Then your Achilles looks like delicious spaghetti.

Verkhoshansky recommended the reps and height to be based upon the athlete’s capability.  Regardless, he suggested no more than 4 sets of 10 reps (with as much quality and rest as possible due to the stress of the movement and potential tissue damage).  You see that picture of D Wade doing depth jumps up there?  In this video, his strength coach says he has Wade do no more than 3 sets of 6 reps.  That’s it.  Keep in mind: Dwayne Wade is a better fucking athlete than you.

"06 Finals MVP? Meh. But what's his Fran time?"

“The guy who invented the movement says don’t do more than 4 sets of 10?  Fuck you, Professor Verk.  You don’t know shit.  This is CrossFit.  We are elite.”  And so, we charge on with our stupidity and people get fucked up.  In fact, there are estimates of 80-90 occurrences of Achilles ruptures resulting from high-rep box jumps in CrossFit dating back to 2007.  Of note, 2011 Open Qualifier WOD 11.2 yielded an estimated 20-25 incidents of Achilles rupture.

Perhaps those figures are exaggerations.  Or are they?  Data is everywhere and doubters can take a look here.  And here.  And here.  And here.  And here.  And here.  And here.  And here.  And here.  And here.  And here.  And here.  And here.  And here.  And here.  And here.  And here.  And here.  And here.  Welcome to the club, Kate.

Roman, you're a fucking dick.

Have I given room for a counterpoint?  Maybe not.  I think box jumps in general are a valuable thing (specifically, max height box jumps).  Coaches should become aware that doing them in such high numbers may get your clients injured.  Injuries are a part of life and sport (real sports- not exercising).  But getting injured during training is fucking gayer than trees.  

My intent for this post was to wake people up about the injuries in CrossFit caused by high rep box jumps.  I had no clue this was an issue until I got injured last summer.  It would be great if shit could change and fewer people got hurt.  That will require affiliates to stop programming high rep box jumps.  I’m not holding my breath on that one, though.  What’s up, coaches?  Post to comments.

No seriously, I didn't make this up.

I’m pretty sure if I unwrapped that crap on Christmas morning back in the early 80′s I’d be one pissed off little fuck.”Where is my motherfucking Boba Fett action figure I asked for?”  Santa’s gonna get cockpunched.  You want to get your kids toys that will make them fit and peel their fwoot-snack chomping asses away from that stupid iCarly episode they’ve seen 8 times?  Here’s some shit for ‘em that will blow their minds:

These things are not available at any participating CrossFit Kids affiliate.

Since we’re on the subject of things CrossFitters could spend their extra money on, lemme give you a sneak peek at some items about to hit the market from some of your favorite manufacturers of CrossFit related shit.

Tired of telling that client to go deeper on his squats or fully open the hips at the top?  The “ROM Sensors”, developed by Rogue Fitness will know when someone is fucking sandbagging range of motion.  With plenty of applications, these sensors may one day replace judges at competitions.  AJ Moore just looked at his coach and said, “fuck yeah.”  The sensors emit a beeping sound to identify a “no rep”.  There is science all up in this bitch.  Optional shock collars make training interesting.

You know those kettlebells that look like shit from an MMA shirt?  Fucking sweet.  The CrossFit Store (powered by Reebok) throws their hat in the ring.  For only $1,000 and a weekend of your time: the Coachbell.  You won’t actually learn how to use it on that weekend (nor will you be able to instruct others) but you’ll be indoctrinated to think it’s the best kettlebell around.

Have you heard about Again Faster’s partnership with Yankee Candle?  No, not gay.  Instead of your house smelling like girls, flip the switch to manly shit with these new candles.  CrossSluts will feel ’at home’ if your place smells like the gym.

What’s more paleo than paleo?  Eating paleo people.  Cannibalism is a bit macabre, but you will not achieve your black belt in Robb Wolf Paleo Jitsu until you eat a humanburger.  It’s also a slick way to piss off vegans while getting a fist-bump from PETA.  New from the “Soylent Green” division of Paleo Brands: “People”.

When I want some poetry and prose to make me feel all warm and fuzzy about my emotional journey in CrossFit, I go to the master of hackneyed writing, Lizbeth Darsh.  While her literary gems are free online, it’s time to pony up some cash for the bonerkillingest piece of art to come out of the CrossFit HQ store since “Every Second Counts”.

Imagine if there was this thing in the gym where you could see your form on shit.  Crazy, right?  Well, you know that thing you use to see yourself in the bathroom?  Boom.  Your head just uh-sploded.  I can’t believe no gym in the history of the world has thought of this yet.  New from those wizards of exercise equipment at Rogue Fitness : FUCKING MIRRORS!

If these new products didn’t get you all pumped to spend some of your upper-middle class moneydollars, there is more to come.  I have an inside source at Hybrid Athletics who leaked news on the testing of their new “Buoyant Atlas Stones”.  While this sounds fucking impossible, Rob Orlando is really hoping they pull it off.

Chuck Bednarik: A physical representation of both "anger" and "fuck yeah".

Chuck motherfucking Bednarik of the Phildelphia Eagles.  The guy who, in 1960, hospitalized Frank Gifford and made certain the New York Giants would be one less nancie wide receiver for over a year.  Maybe you don’t give a fuck about an NFL history lesson.  You don’t need to.  Look at the guy’s hand (below) and see what kind of tough son of a bitch he is.  Carry that attitude in your training.  Anger and fuck yeah.  If you approach the barbell like Bednarik approached the game of football, gravity will be scared of you.

Ear plugs are needed when he pops his knuckles

But I don’t feel like talking about training this week.  Tomorrow, “anger” temporarily takes a back seat to “fuck yeah” for me.  It’s the only holiday worth a damn in the calender year.  For those of my readers outside of the United States, lemme give you a lesson about the greatest and most beard-growing/pee-standing-up holiday in the world: 

Don't touch me, Gay Sweater.

Thanksgiving is where men play tackle football, then get fucking wasted while watching National Football League games on television.  Meanwhile, in a nearby kitchen, women cook food.  “No, toots.  I’m fucking not putting my plate in the sink when I’m done.  The game is on, and that plate will sit there ’til I get hungry again.  You look lovely, by the way.”

What a scam.  Clink your glass of whiskey to a fellow bro tomorrow as you destrominate meat from a pathetic loser of a bird and watch games all… damned… day.  Ladies – don’t get pissed.  You get your revenge in what historians have deemed “the exact opposite of Thanksgiving”.  It comes in the middle February and I have deemed it “the exact opposite of money well spent”.

Before I close and mentally prepare buy a bottle of Jameson for the manliest holiday, let’s get back to anger.  A bit of light reading for your weekend: http://joshsgarage.typepad.com/Crossfit_White_Papers_–_Timeline.html  It doesn’t make me ‘angry’ or ‘fuck yeah’.  But I know some of my readers will have some interesting things to say about it.  Also because I get a chuckle out of watching my comment section turn into a Down Syndrome convention each week.

Thanks to Link Wilfley of CrossFit Broadway for contributing to this post.

Told that ass.

When you started CrossFit there was an initial period where you were making huge gains in all areas of fitness because in the beginning, you were probably terrible.  This doesn’t apply to me because I’ve been a hardcock since my first CrossFit Kids WOD back in 1978: For time: Vagina escape, umbilical-cord descent, 1 burpee, 400m run (1:12 RX).  Suck it, n00bs.

The picture isn't accurate. I had a full beard at birth. And pubes.

What exactly causes training plateaus?  It could be a number of factors.  To diagnose the problem, take a step back and make an assessment of your training, nutrition and rest.  No shit, right?  I’ve developed an algorithm to identify and solve the problem.  It’s fairly simple.

Whoops!  For those of you who are offended at my usage of the word ‘gay’, just know that I am not referring to people who are good at interior decorating and adoption.  I use the word ‘gay’ in a manner to identify a lack of destromination in the gym, otherwise known as ”being a fucking pussy”. 

Keep in mind, ‘Harden The Fuck Up’ does not mean be an idiot and train like an arrogant psycho who is impervious to injury.  It means to take control of all aspects of your life.  Train with intensity, but train smart.  Eat like a well-tuned machine for the purpose of athletic performance.  Rest is not to be ignored, either.  Many of you are like me and find it harder to take a needed rest day than saying, “fuck it, I’m going to the gym anyway.”  Going to the gym when you should be resting is a product of mental weakness and is counterproductive. 

A plateau is like your training has been put on hold.  Don’t just wait around to see if it gets better.  Identify your issues and make change.  You’ve got to figure out. 

Off-topic:  If you are literally on hold (on the phone) hang up, call back and select the option for Espanol.  You don’t even need to habla.  Fumble through the directions, get to the Spanish-speaking operator and say, “Sorry, I think I made a mistake.  Do you speak English?”  Of course they speak English.  And you just got to talk to a representative without waiting.  I’ve done this for years and I never get put on hold.  You’re welcome.

Por la destrominacion de la vida.