Sac Town Throwdown and the Eleet Roadkill WOD
Posted by EPIC in CrossFit Community on February 15, 2012
In a Beastmodal Domains Special Edition, we’ll take a look at the Sac Town Throwdown. Or whatever the fuck that is. Obviously it was some sort of competition in the town of Sac or something. I don’t care. We’re not going to focus on the competition but rather, one heat of one WOD. Watch what happened here (magic at 2:20) and for a more fun angle watch this.
Drywall, Wild Gorilla Man and myself have agreed there is no bottom to the stupidity in CrossFit. Likewise, I don’t feel like writing. Instead, I’ll just give you a picture-breakdown of what happened. Enjoy.
OC Throwdown and the Stupidity Roundup
Posted by EPIC in CrossFit Community on February 1, 2012
A couple weeks ago at the OC Throwdown comp, Ronnie Teasdale flipped his shit. You’ve seen the YouTube clip where at 4:13 he gets no repped for catching it on the bounce, at 4:22 he throws the barbell towards the judge, then at 4:25 he gives her the “outta my way” shove. Next, you get some protesting and another barbell toss. No one did anything. But what happens next will shock you.
Off-camera, he goes apeshit and pulls out double samurai swords and starts decapitating EVERYONE. Straight rage which lives up to those shorts he stole from the Incredible Hulk. Next, he quickly converts a weight vest into a suicide bomber vest and blows the whole place up. The suicide vest was pointless because everyone was already decapitated, but sometimes you gotta put an exclamation point on shit.
I made fun of his daisy dukes and then my head went missing.
Teasdale tried to cheat, got busted and threw a temper tantrum. It wasnt the only bullshit that happened at that competition, so no one should be surprised that he got away with it. If the head judge let him act like that, and he was allowed to continue, it’s their fault. Who fucking cares? I liked it better the first time I saw it when it was called “Every Second Counts” aka the 2008 Games WSOE. Matt Murski did the same bounce-catch bullshit and got called out by Dave Castro (sorry, N00bs- you have to be Prebok Crossfit to get that reference). If you do stupid shit, and you get caught, STFU (duh). Here’s me right before the last time I got arrested:
Blah Blah Reebok Commercial (STFU)
Posted by EPIC in CrossFit Community on January 18, 2012
Did you see the commercial? Of course, you did. According to Facebook and Twitter, a lot of CrossFit exercisers were more concerned with a fucking advertisement than Aaron Rogers and the Packers doing the “Discount Double Choke” against the Giants. Apparently, the “Sport of Fitness” arrived and interrupted the “Sport of… Sport” (aka the NFL Playoffs).
Who fucking cares? From what I can tell – there were two basic reactions.
1. Hooray! I saw people doing wallballs on a commercial during a nationally televised broadcast! We’ve come so far!
My response: Shut the fuck up. After you watched the commercial you had already seen 8 times on YouTube I’m sure you immediately switched the channel from a hugely important playoff game to the fucking WSOE reruns on ESPN2 (which you’ve also already seen 8 times). You can’t be helped and I’m bored with making fun of you.
2. Oh no! This means the demise of CrossFit! All of our affiliates will be taken over by Reebok!
My response: Shut the fuck up. I thought the commercial was fucking funny with its militaristic helicopter invasion. The symbolism was just perfect enough to get the gullible conspiracy theorist/affiliate owner to fear a hostile takeover. Suckers. As much as I want to, I don’t remember the commercial going like this:
Now, that’s a commercial. It kicked off the type of dream sequence in my head I used to have in school (until they put me on Ritalin)… UH-SPLOSION! Then tanks rolling and troops marching! Their color guards bear the flag of the glorious ReePublic:
Social Media + CrossFit = Stab Myself In The Face
Posted by EPIC in CrossFit Community on January 11, 2012
I’ve been so busy WODing at the box exercising at the gym on dis mufucka’s programming that I have been neglecting my duties of making fun of CrossFit. Also, since Drywall has moved on, I don’t have to try as hard. As much as my internet laziness has caused my “Christmas break” to stretch into a “fuck entertaining people on the internet until I feel like it” break, some shit has been brought to my attention that I must address.
CrossFit on social media makes me want to punch myself in the breeding parts. I (hypocritically) wish people would shut the fuck up about exercise. When the Broncos beat the Steelers (lulz) in overtime Sunday night, SICFIT literally figuratively laid a steaming pile of shit on my Twitter timeline.
How the fuck is this even remotely related to CrossFit? Clearly, it’s not. But in a world where some motherfuckers see medball cleans as life and death, those same motherfuckers gotta tie real sports to CrossFit. Fuck you. Hey, SICFIT – shut the fuck up. You want my “thoughts”? Tebow would be a great CrossFit athlete… if he got tired of getting paid millions and wanted to fade into obscurity.
Dog Tags by SICFIT (those who know are). Because you have just enlisted in the Army of Foppish Dandies. You will report immediately to Poseur Company, Disposable Income Battalion. “Ya, they’re awesome.” 28 dollars of awesome.
It’s my own fault for following those clowns on Twitter. Sifting through garbage is the price I pay to mock shit. I follow lots of dummies on Twitter and I’m never far from a chuckle when there are people like this:
Intrinsically? Wow. I just caught my thesaurus beating off to that tweet. Verbose > profound. Gimme some more gems, Tony.
The Newbie’s Guide To CrossFit
Posted by EPIC in CrossFit Community on December 20, 2011
Hey there, n00b. You’ve committed to joining a CrossFit affiliate in January. Congrats and welcome to a strange environment of group exercise (and groupthink). Before you show up with uncool shoes, basketball shorts and no understanding of how to do a Sumo Deadlift High Pull, allow me to assist you in navigating the unfamiliar world of CrossFit. Since I’ve already covered what not to do here, I’m going to give you some tips on what you can do in order to survive.
Don’t Worry About The Movements: You’ve been hornswoggled into taking an on-ramp program where a coach will teach you how WE exercise. The extra fee for the on-ramp program i$ fun becau$e you’ve already paid for your member$hip and now you’ll al$o have to pay more ca$h to be taught how to be a member. You won’t learn how to do cool shit, but you’ll become a fucking samurai with the PVC pipe.
Didn't see that on ESPN2? Welcome to CrossFit, sucka.
Scale The WODs: CrossFit is hard and you suck, so scaling makes it easier. I went into detail here, and your coach can help you figure out how to apply the concept. Sometimes, you have to be creative in order to hit from the ladies’ tees.
Green Bands: the "Easy Button" of CrossFit
Thanks to DNF Apparel for the shirt. Buy their shit, proceeds go to charity.
Programming for the Best Exercisers
It’s that time of year again. When CrossFitters start sounding like any fucking episode of Glee. “We gotta make it to Regionals!” Don’t know what Glee is? In summary: the worst actors in Hollywood got together to prance about like androgynous wads of puss-meat and sing bullshit pop music. Oh, and talk about “Regionals”. End of story. Why do I know about Glee? Because I’m married to a person who has ovaries.
Like all competitive individuals who washed out of real sports, get ready to throw down for another season of exercise competition. The World Series of Exercise Open Qualifiers starts in February. It’s time to prepare for six weeks of focusing on six individual WODs (and gaming the fuck out of them) while conversely preaching GPP and “unknown and unknowable” to CrossFit n00bs.
Who fucking cares that CrossFit is a game? Competition is the shit. Unknown and unknowable is a cute concept, but if you tell me on Tuesday what the competition workout will be on Saturday, I’m fucking practicing. There is strategy involved. GPP is important, but I’m not in it for that. The competitor needs to approach this shit with programming that compliments the goal to fuckstomp your opponents.
Come At Me, Coach Volume III: High Rep Box Jumps?
If you were wondering how you might go about destroying the strongest and thickest tendon in your body, a simple way to achieve this feat would be to perform high rep box jumps. In this “Come At Me Coach” installment, I call upon the coaches to convince me (and my surgically-repaired Achilles) as to why it’s necessary to have your clients boing boing in repetition despite the inherent risk of injury.
I started writing this post a week ago with every intention of being really persuasive as to why high rep box jumps are fucking stupid and dangerous. Then something happened. Last Friday, CrossFit Games athlete Kate Rawlings ruptured her left Achilles during the box jump portion of Filthy 50. She had surgery yesterday. I guess I don’t have to soapbox this one as hard.
Kate Rawlings: CrossFit's most recent box jump Achilles casualty
New CrossFit Products For The Disposable Income Crowd!
Posted by EPIC in CrossFit Community on November 30, 2011
And by disposable income crowd, I mean pretty much anyone in the CrossFit community. Since we are upper-middle class with decent salaries and a love for all things overpriced, we need to consume more shit. Kind of like CrossFit toys for our snot-nosed kids. Your lil’ crumbsnatchers will be destrominating metcons with these multi-colored and functional WOD Toys.
No seriously, I didn't make this up.
I’m pretty sure if I unwrapped that crap on Christmas morning back in the early 80′s I’d be one pissed off little fuck.”Where is my motherfucking Boba Fett action figure I asked for?” Santa’s gonna get cockpunched. You want to get your kids toys that will make them fit and peel their fwoot-snack chomping asses away from that stupid iCarly episode they’ve seen 8 times? Here’s some shit for ‘em that will blow their minds:
These things are not available at any participating CrossFit Kids affiliate.
Since we’re on the subject of things CrossFitters could spend their extra money on, lemme give you a sneak peek at some items about to hit the market from some of your favorite manufacturers of CrossFit related shit.
Anger & Fuck Yeah
Posted by EPIC in Uncategorized on November 23, 2011
I walk around angry. Most of the time. It’s because of the fuckheads that ooze weakness all around me. More importantly, I’m irate because anger is the shit. It’s one of only two emotions I have. The other emotion: fuck yeah. Sometimes I’m not angry and I’m like, “fuck yeah”. When I’m angry, I’m also like, “fuck yeah”. Anger, for me, gets directed into focused and driven work. Destromination ensues.
Chuck Bednarik: A physical representation of both "anger" and "fuck yeah".
Chuck motherfucking Bednarik of the Phildelphia Eagles. The guy who, in 1960, hospitalized Frank Gifford and made certain the New York Giants would be one less nancie wide receiver for over a year. Maybe you don’t give a fuck about an NFL history lesson. You don’t need to. Look at the guy’s hand (below) and see what kind of tough son of a bitch he is. Carry that attitude in your training. Anger and fuck yeah. If you approach the barbell like Bednarik approached the game of football, gravity will be scared of you.
Ear plugs are needed when he pops his knuckles
But I don’t feel like talking about training this week. Tomorrow, “anger” temporarily takes a back seat to “fuck yeah” for me. It’s the only holiday worth a damn in the calender year. For those of my readers outside of the United States, lemme give you a lesson about the greatest and most beard-growing/pee-standing-up holiday in the world:
Don't touch me, Gay Sweater.
Destrominate Training Plateaus
There comes a point in your training where the PR’s aren’t as huge as they used to be. In some cases, you may go for a stretch where there are no PRs. What is that, a slump? Training plateau? Don’t write that shit off like, “Meh. I just haven’t been feeling it recently.” That sounds like a mouth-queef to me and it means you’re ready for a sturdy cockpunch.
Told that ass.
When you started CrossFit there was an initial period where you were making huge gains in all areas of fitness because in the beginning, you were probably terrible. This doesn’t apply to me because I’ve been a hardcock since my first CrossFit Kids WOD back in 1978: For time: Vagina escape, umbilical-cord descent, 1 burpee, 400m run (1:12 RX). Suck it, n00bs.
The picture isn't accurate. I had a full beard at birth. And pubes.
