Common Faults: Being an A-hole
Posted by EPIC in CrossFit Community on April 25, 2012
While prepping for Regionals, I wanted to make sure I understood how to do something as ridiculous as partner-deadlifts. So I watched the Head Judge of the Games, Adrian Bozman, make handicapped faces on the Games site videos. Then I no-repped his facial hair.
Back to partner deadlifts- Them shits is dumb. See:
You better not fuck that up or Bozman and company will ‘no-rep’ your ass back to 12.1. He’s gone rogue, no-repping the fuck out of everything. No, not that kind of Rogue. Well, maybe.
I can’t say I blame him there. Rogue Fitness strikes again with bullshit reps in the form of a god damned PVC pipe that costs 13 bucks. “But it has Knurl Marks and a 28mm diameter.” So does an actual bar. Use that. Rogue- thanks for the caveat (THIS IS NOT A LOAD BEARING BAR). It’s the exact information needed by any moron who will actually drop $13 for a PVC pipe.
Back to Bozman. Since Reebok made CrossFit The Sport Of Fitness famous, Bozman has been able to parlay his judging skills to other arenas. Including a real sport:
Motivational Crap Is Stupid
Posted by EPIC in CrossFit Community on March 21, 2012
Allow me to introduce you to a thing called RX Star. It’s something inspirational for CrossFit women. They put out daily doses of incoherent drivel on Facebook. I’m about to stomp the shit out of them, but you should ‘like’ their page (if you love getting cringy douche-chills). I do. Sometimes, my wife asks me why the fuck I don’t change the channel when that movie with Nick Cannon playing drums in a marching band is on. “All you do is sit here and bitch about how bad the movie is and how much Nick Cannon sucks. Just change the fucking channel.” I can’t. It’s so fucking terrible, I can’t stop watching. Just like this:
Strongstrength just made your skin hurt from reading that steaming pile of feces. It’s like Lisbeth Darsh smoked PCP and fired off a machine gun that shot pink paintballs and awkward non-sequiturs. Those of you who’ve watched over the past couple weeks as I’ve needled them on facebook know what’s been building here. It all started a while back when someone brought this to my attention:
Why does RX Star exist? Why do they have a sturdy facebook following? Pointless questions, but this kind of motivational bullshit has been around longer than you and me. In the old days, broads were tougher and smarter so it was slightly less annoying and a lot more readable.
Regardless, inspirational shit lowers your sperm count. Think: “Live Laugh Love”. That stupid fucking shit was created by some broad who wanted to boss you around. Don’t fucking tell me what to do, toots. I don’t even know you. Besides, the only example of a motivational imperative that does not eat a pile of dongs exists in the University of Notre Dame.
I’m The New Producer Of The CrossFit Games Update Show
Posted by EPIC in CrossFit Community on March 9, 2012
The hiring process took a while and that’s why you haven’t heard from me. Also because everyone’s incessant bitching about the Open Qualifiers programming along with all those terribly played-the-fuck-out snatch double entendres have made me want to suckstart my Glock. I’ve been a recluse but I can’t hide forever. So it’s time to start being positive and get a real job. I’m working for HQ now, bitches. Don’t worry, I’m going to be professional about this and Rory McKernon gets to keep that “bow-tie of irony”. Because there are only three professions where a bow-tie is acceptable:
There will be some changes though. A joke me and Drywall made on facebook a couple weeks ago got approved as the title for our new format. Behold:
Nothing major will change. They’re still gonna yammer on about exercise. The athlete interviews will still lack personality and substance. The interaction between Sherwood, Oldroyd and McKernan will still be as awkward as any public access TV channel. However, I plan to increase the amount of creepy looks Pat Sherwood gives to Miranda Oldroyd.
Sac Town Throwdown and the Eleet Roadkill WOD
Posted by EPIC in CrossFit Community on February 15, 2012
In a Beastmodal Domains Special Edition, we’ll take a look at the Sac Town Throwdown. Or whatever the fuck that is. Obviously it was some sort of competition in the town of Sac or something. I don’t care. We’re not going to focus on the competition but rather, one heat of one WOD. Watch what happened here (magic at 2:20) and for a more fun angle watch this.
Drywall, Wild Gorilla Man and myself have agreed there is no bottom to the stupidity in CrossFit. Likewise, I don’t feel like writing. Instead, I’ll just give you a picture-breakdown of what happened. Enjoy.
OC Throwdown and the Stupidity Roundup
Posted by EPIC in CrossFit Community on February 1, 2012
A couple weeks ago at the OC Throwdown comp, Ronnie Teasdale flipped his shit. You’ve seen the YouTube clip where at 4:13 he gets no repped for catching it on the bounce, at 4:22 he throws the barbell towards the judge, then at 4:25 he gives her the “outta my way” shove. Next, you get some protesting and another barbell toss. No one did anything. But what happens next will shock you.
Off-camera, he goes apeshit and pulls out double samurai swords and starts decapitating EVERYONE. Straight rage which lives up to those shorts he stole from the Incredible Hulk. Next, he quickly converts a weight vest into a suicide bomber vest and blows the whole place up. The suicide vest was pointless because everyone was already decapitated, but sometimes you gotta put an exclamation point on shit.
I made fun of his daisy dukes and then my head went missing.
Teasdale tried to cheat, got busted and threw a temper tantrum. It wasnt the only bullshit that happened at that competition, so no one should be surprised that he got away with it. If the head judge let him act like that, and he was allowed to continue, it’s their fault. Who fucking cares? I liked it better the first time I saw it when it was called “Every Second Counts” aka the 2008 Games WSOE. Matt Murski did the same bounce-catch bullshit and got called out by Dave Castro (sorry, N00bs- you have to be Prebok Crossfit to get that reference). If you do stupid shit, and you get caught, STFU (duh). Here’s me right before the last time I got arrested:
Blah Blah Reebok Commercial (STFU)
Posted by EPIC in CrossFit Community on January 18, 2012
Did you see the commercial? Of course, you did. According to Facebook and Twitter, a lot of CrossFit exercisers were more concerned with a fucking advertisement than Aaron Rogers and the Packers doing the “Discount Double Choke” against the Giants. Apparently, the “Sport of Fitness” arrived and interrupted the “Sport of… Sport” (aka the NFL Playoffs).
Who fucking cares? From what I can tell – there were two basic reactions.
1. Hooray! I saw people doing wallballs on a commercial during a nationally televised broadcast! We’ve come so far!
My response: Shut the fuck up. After you watched the commercial you had already seen 8 times on YouTube I’m sure you immediately switched the channel from a hugely important playoff game to the fucking WSOE reruns on ESPN2 (which you’ve also already seen 8 times). You can’t be helped and I’m bored with making fun of you.
2. Oh no! This means the demise of CrossFit! All of our affiliates will be taken over by Reebok!
My response: Shut the fuck up. I thought the commercial was fucking funny with its militaristic helicopter invasion. The symbolism was just perfect enough to get the gullible conspiracy theorist/affiliate owner to fear a hostile takeover. Suckers. As much as I want to, I don’t remember the commercial going like this:
Now, that’s a commercial. It kicked off the type of dream sequence in my head I used to have in school (until they put me on Ritalin)… UH-SPLOSION! Then tanks rolling and troops marching! Their color guards bear the flag of the glorious ReePublic:
Social Media + CrossFit = Stab Myself In The Face
Posted by EPIC in CrossFit Community on January 11, 2012
I’ve been so busy WODing at the box exercising at the gym on dis mufucka’s programming that I have been neglecting my duties of making fun of CrossFit. Also, since Drywall has moved on, I don’t have to try as hard. As much as my internet laziness has caused my “Christmas break” to stretch into a “fuck entertaining people on the internet until I feel like it” break, some shit has been brought to my attention that I must address.
CrossFit on social media makes me want to punch myself in the breeding parts. I (hypocritically) wish people would shut the fuck up about exercise. When the Broncos beat the Steelers (lulz) in overtime Sunday night, SICFIT literally figuratively laid a steaming pile of shit on my Twitter timeline.
How the fuck is this even remotely related to CrossFit? Clearly, it’s not. But in a world where some motherfuckers see medball cleans as life and death, those same motherfuckers gotta tie real sports to CrossFit. Fuck you. Hey, SICFIT – shut the fuck up. You want my “thoughts”? Tebow would be a great CrossFit athlete… if he got tired of getting paid millions and wanted to fade into obscurity.
Dog Tags by SICFIT (those who know are). Because you have just enlisted in the Army of Foppish Dandies. You will report immediately to Poseur Company, Disposable Income Battalion. “Ya, they’re awesome.” 28 dollars of awesome.
It’s my own fault for following those clowns on Twitter. Sifting through garbage is the price I pay to mock shit. I follow lots of dummies on Twitter and I’m never far from a chuckle when there are people like this:
Intrinsically? Wow. I just caught my thesaurus beating off to that tweet. Verbose > profound. Gimme some more gems, Tony.
The Newbie’s Guide To CrossFit
Posted by EPIC in CrossFit Community on December 20, 2011
Hey there, n00b. You’ve committed to joining a CrossFit affiliate in January. Congrats and welcome to a strange environment of group exercise (and groupthink). Before you show up with uncool shoes, basketball shorts and no understanding of how to do a Sumo Deadlift High Pull, allow me to assist you in navigating the unfamiliar world of CrossFit. Since I’ve already covered what not to do here, I’m going to give you some tips on what you can do in order to survive.
Don’t Worry About The Movements: You’ve been hornswoggled into taking an on-ramp program where a coach will teach you how WE exercise. The extra fee for the on-ramp program i$ fun becau$e you’ve already paid for your member$hip and now you’ll al$o have to pay more ca$h to be taught how to be a member. You won’t learn how to do cool shit, but you’ll become a fucking samurai with the PVC pipe.
Didn't see that on ESPN2? Welcome to CrossFit, sucka.
Scale The WODs: CrossFit is hard and you suck, so scaling makes it easier. I went into detail here, and your coach can help you figure out how to apply the concept. Sometimes, you have to be creative in order to hit from the ladies’ tees.
Green Bands: the "Easy Button" of CrossFit
Thanks to DNF Apparel for the shirt. Buy their shit, proceeds go to charity.
Programming for the Best Exercisers
It’s that time of year again. When CrossFitters start sounding like any fucking episode of Glee. “We gotta make it to Regionals!” Don’t know what Glee is? In summary: the worst actors in Hollywood got together to prance about like androgynous wads of puss-meat and sing bullshit pop music. Oh, and talk about “Regionals”. End of story. Why do I know about Glee? Because I’m married to a person who has ovaries.
Like all competitive individuals who washed out of real sports, get ready to throw down for another season of exercise competition. The World Series of Exercise Open Qualifiers starts in February. It’s time to prepare for six weeks of focusing on six individual WODs (and gaming the fuck out of them) while conversely preaching GPP and “unknown and unknowable” to CrossFit n00bs.
Who fucking cares that CrossFit is a game? Competition is the shit. Unknown and unknowable is a cute concept, but if you tell me on Tuesday what the competition workout will be on Saturday, I’m fucking practicing. There is strategy involved. GPP is important, but I’m not in it for that. The competitor needs to approach this shit with programming that compliments the goal to fuckstomp your opponents.
Come At Me, Coach Volume III: High Rep Box Jumps?
If you were wondering how you might go about destroying the strongest and thickest tendon in your body, a simple way to achieve this feat would be to perform high rep box jumps. In this “Come At Me Coach” installment, I call upon the coaches to convince me (and my surgically-repaired Achilles) as to why it’s necessary to have your clients boing boing in repetition despite the inherent risk of injury.
I started writing this post a week ago with every intention of being really persuasive as to why high rep box jumps are fucking stupid and dangerous. Then something happened. Last Friday, CrossFit Games athlete Kate Rawlings ruptured her left Achilles during the box jump portion of Filthy 50. She had surgery yesterday. I guess I don’t have to soapbox this one as hard.
Kate Rawlings: CrossFit's most recent box jump Achilles casualty
